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Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi divorcing 2 days after getting married

Just two days after Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi tied the knot in Los Angeles, the couple is complaining to friends that their sex life has suddenly gone downhill and that they're getting divorced.

"All these years, they've been fighting for the right to get married, and now that they have legally done it, they're realizing what a nightmare it is," says a person in the know. "Ellen comes home from work, exhausted from her show and Portia wants to go out dancing and have a good time. Ellen just wants to stay in and read the paper and go to bed. When Ellen wants to have sex, though, Portia claims she has a headache and tells her to put the strap-on back in the closet."

Friends say Ellen and Portia are filing for divorce, but are NOT splitting up. They just want to get back to where they were before marriage. Ellen and Portia will also release a PSA to warn other gay and lesbian couples to avoid marriage at all costs as it can completely destroy their sex lives.

Ellen DeGeneres gives away adopted baby to hairdresser

Ellen DeGeneres told her studio audience yesterday that she is marrying her long-time girlfriend Portia de Rossi.  It follows a ruling by the California Supreme Court that says banning same-sex marriage is unconstitutional. But the BIGGER revelation by Ellen and Portia is that they also adopted a baby!!! But when the baby could not get along with DeGeneres' cats, she gave the baby to her hairdresser's 11- and 12-year-old daughters.  But the adoption agency stepped in and took the baby back, saying DeGeneres had signed an agreement that if she cold not keep the baby she would give it back to the agency. Ellen went on the air today crying and begging the adoption agency to return the baby, saying:

"How was I supposed to know that I could not give away a baby to a couple of kids? I'm begging them to give that baby -- what's his name -- back to that family. I just want the family to have their baby. And don't forget, Monday on the show, Heidi Montag will be here."

Ellen launches 'pelvic exam' segment

Ellen Degeneres performed a pelvic exam on Ashlee Simpson who is rumored to be pregnant. The procedure stunned the studio audience.  However, it's all part of a new segment during Health Month on her show. Ellen says:

"It's all about health awareness. A pelvic examination is a routine procedure used to assess the well being of the female patients' lower genito-urinary tract. This is done as part of a usual health screening and prevention tool, and I think Ashlee is a total hottie. And, oh yeah, she's totally pregnant."

Woody's Ellen-esque breakdown

Woody Wittman has an on-screen breakdown after the authorities take away his adopted son, Ziggy, from the crack whores Woody was letting watch the little guy.

NATION SHOCKED TO DISCOVER ELLEN HAS HAIRDRESSER

Though the media has focused on Ellen Degeneres’ on-air breakdown and the ensuing controversy after a pet adoption agency took away the dog that Ellen gave to her hairdresser, national opinion polls show that people are most surprised and fascinated by a different aspect of the story: the fact that Ellen Degeneres has a hairdresser.

FOLLOWING ELLEN CONTROVERSY, PAT ROBERTSON CALLS FOR GAY PET ADOPTION BAN

In the wake of Ellen Degeneres’ public breakdown over the botched adoption of her dog Iggy, conservative commentator Pat Robertson has called for a national law banning same sex couples from adopting pets.