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Jennifer Aniston denies wishing to murder Angelina Jolie

As ex-husband Brad Pitt and rival Angelie Jolie paraded down the red carpet with twins Suspush and Hesapak in hand, Jennifer Aniston denied any wish to murder them or their children, or behave in either an arbitrary or pre-mediateted way against them. 

"I'm not some...I'm not like that 'Fatal Attraction' character," Aniston said, referring to a role played by actress and former "Friends" guest star, Glenn Close.  "Now get away from me.  After taking my picture"

Ms. Aniston has not exhibited violent tendencies in the past, and speculation has not existed to an extent that a restraining order has been pursued, but when pushed, Aniston has admitted to a disinclination towards the couples' "smugness" and evinced a dislike of Pitt's new mustache. 

Celebrity psychologist Houton Wooley describes many celebrities as being more prone to violent outbursts than others, "or at least a tendency to have them caught on film."  He states that Kiefer Sutherland's and Teri Hatcher's violent episodes were pre-dated by similar denials in the press.  "I just hope the public knows what to do to remain safe from Ms. Aniston's possible first or next outburst."

-Dominic Zeller

Angelina nervous as Brad agrees to star in Mr. and Mrs. Smith 2 with Jessica Alba

Sources close to Angelina Jolie tell Dateline Hollywood that she has started to feel a vague sense of anxiety since husband Brad Pitt agreed to star in "Mr. and Mrs. Smith 2" opposite Jessica Alba.

"I can't quite put my finger on it but something about this situation makes me nervous," Angelina recently told a source in the Jolie-Pitt camp. "It's probably nothing, though. It makes sense for Brad to do 'Mr. and Mrs. Smith 2' with a different actress so I can stay with the kids. In a few months he'll return home and nothing will have changed."

In "Mr. and Mrs. Smith 2," Pitt's character is alone after his his now ex-wife, who was played by Jolie in the first film and is a professional assassin just like he is, defects to Iran. He's shocked to discover, however, that a new girlfriend he meets on eHarmony played by Alba is also a professional assassin and is trying to take him out at the same time they're falling in love.

Pitt and Alba were both unavailable for comment. A source on the set said both actors "seem to totally disappear" whenever they're not shooting.

Asked if she could provide any perspective during a just released interview in Vogue magazine, Pitt's ex-wife Jennifer Aniston said, "Huh. How interesting."

L.A. passes 'Do Not Touch Celebrity' law after Brad Pitt incident

There was a bizarre incident Monday night at the L.A. screening of Brad Pitt's new movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." Brad Pitt was grabbed, pushed and spun around by a plainclothes security guard who had been hired by the venue to protect him from a pack of aggressive photographers. In response,  the Los Angeles City council went into a midnight emergency session just hours after the incident. The Council unanimously voted to put a ten-year ban on anyone -- including security officers or law enforcement officers -- from making unwanted psychical contact with A-List celebrities. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa approved the  ordinance at 4:40 this morning.

"Brad Pitt is an icon," said the Mayor. "If you're an A-list celebrity like he is, you should have the right to travel through Los Angeles without having people touching you whatsoever, and that includes security guards or police officers. We just can't take that kind of chance with our treasured A-listers."

The ordinance affects a 32-square-mile (82-sq-km) area of Los Angeles. The LAPD opposes the new measure saying it could restrict them from carrying out justice in Los Angeles.

There was another incident this morning involving "singer" Brooke Hogan where she was accidentally pushed by a photographer outside a store on Robertson Boulevard in Los Angeles. She called the LAPD, saying she was protected by the new measure, but an officer had to break the news to her that she was only a C-list celebrity and that the ordinance did not apply to her.

Celebrity stock porftolios plunge 35% due to financial crisis

With financial institutions continuing to fail on Wall Street, Hollywood has experienced what one economist called "The worst crisis ever for celebrity wealth."

According to statistics obtained exclusively by Dateline Hollywood, the average A-list celebrity stock portfolio has fallen 35% this week, with some stars losing as much as 72% of their wealth.

Amongst stars who have lost huge amounts of money:

-Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt saw their portfolio decline by 26%. Sources say that will force them to return at least one adopted child to its birth parents

-Kevin Federine's stocks plunged by 54%, bringing his total net worth down to $43.70

-Ashton Kutcher's investments plummeted by a whopping 72%, though financial experts cautioned that most of the drop was unrelated to the Wall Street crisis and had to do with his decision to put all his money in a company that specializes in magic beans.

"This is the most devastating news yet for the American economy," said Navid Pring, chief celebrity economist at Goldman Sachs. "If celebrities aren't buying new products, entire shopping guides in Us Weekly and on The Oprah Winfrey Show could be cancelled. E!'s fashion experts will have no new celebrity clothing to mock. We'll be feeling the impact of this crisis for at least a year."

Brangelina twins sold into slavery at People Magazine for $14 million

Lawyers for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt said they were reviewing legal options on Sunday after the celebrity couple accidentally signed a contract selling ownership of their twin babies to People Magazine for $14 million.

"My clients intended to sell rights for the first photographs of Knox and Vivenne to People Magazine for $14 million, with Hello! Magazine getting international rights for an extra $5 million," said attorney Bert Fields. "But they didn't notice that the contract technically said they were selling the twins into paparazzi slavery, with People getting legal custody of them both."

According to the terms of the contract, People will have full parental rights over Knox and Vivienne Pitt, with the ability to exclusively photograph, interview, and stage news events such as romantic entanglements and weight loss/gains until they turn 18.  Hello Magazine will have visitation rights every other weekend along with the ability to exclusively cover the infant starlets in Europe and Asia.

According to human trafficking experts, $14 million is the most ever paid for a single individual.

Angelina and Brad sending twins to third world orphanage

Now that Knox and Vivenne Pitt have entered the world, Angelina and Brad are busy figuring out which third world country to ship them to for five years.

In a bedside interview with Dateline Hollywood, the proud parents said they planned to send their newborn twins to live in an orphanage in a third world country for five years and then re-adopt them.

"Knox and Viv just aren't as interesting as Maddox or Zahara or Pax and we realized the reason is there isn't a heart-wrenching story about how they came into our lives," Jolie said while perusing an atlas. "Maybe when I've rescued them from a life of misery as orphans in a desperately poor third world country, I'll finally feel a connection to them. Because right now they're just beautiful white babies born in Europe. Does it get any more boring than that?"

Pitt said he's considering shipping his son and daughter to Zaire, Laos, Haiti, or several other poor countries from which he and Jolie haven't yet adopted. "It's important we pick a place where we'll want to go vacation in five years," he noted.

Brad Pitt's $300-thousand table sold at Ikea

The news was everywhere that Brad Pitt purchased this table for $300,000 in Switzerland earlier this week. Brad thought he was getting himself a rare piece of furniture, but Dateline Hollywood has discovered the very same table sells at Ikea for $19.99.  Pitt's publicist won't comment on the matter execpt to say that Brad became a little suspicious when he had to spend seven hours using a tiny wrech to assemble "that f*cking the table."

Jolie-Pitt Nanny on suicide watch after twins announcement

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's nanny Roberta Lopez has been put on 24 hour suicide watch after learning that Jolie is pregnant with twins.

"Maddox, Zahara, Shiloh, Pax, more more more more more more!!!" Lopez was heard screaming over and over from a room at the Cedars-Sinai mental health emergency room. "No more baby Mr. Brad and Mrs. Angelina. No more baby!!!!"

A spokesperson for Jolie and Pitt said the family is paying for Lopez's medical treatment and plans to give her a 7% raise after the twins are born.

JOLIE, PITT RETURN ADOPTED CHILDREN

As the trend for adopting third-world children wanes, superstar couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have decided to return their three adopted children to their respective countries. “Just like Kababalah, Ugg boots, and trucker hats, all trends come to an end in Hollywood, and it seems Brad and Angelina simply grew tired of those kids,” said Celebritytrend.com writer Stephen Henderson.

Jolie-Pitt Nanny Begs Employers to Stop Adopting

Hollywood – Monica Soreno, the exhausted nanny for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, has been begging her employers to stop adopting young children from third world countries. “I keep telling Mrs. Angelina and Mr. Brad that they are just too generous and should hire more nannies,” said Soreno, who takes care of Jolie and Pitt’s four children under the age of 6 in order to support her three children in Honduras.