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Confessions of a Shopaholic: Obama Racks Up $789 Billion Dollar Spending Bill

President Obama is elated that Congress has passed his extremely controversial spending blitz, at least according to his Facebook status update ("Obama is hell yeah America pay my billzzzz!" at 1:47 PM)

Obama's economic stimulus plan, intended to pump $789 billion dollars into the economy ($787 billion of which will go towards the care of the California octuplets), is coming under intense scrutiny for its dizzying lack of transparency.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner brushed off that allegation, "The American people need to understand that transparency, especially in banking and government, is very dangerous. It is imperative we keep this private and vague to protect the people."

Obama had threatened lawmakers that if they didn't pass the stimulus bill then there could be a "lost decade" to which Mickey Rourke countered, "no biggie  – I've had like 5 lost decades."

-Meredith McKenna

Tom Daschle to star in 'He's Just Not That Into You' sequel

President Obama is scrambling to find a new Health Czar after his former best friend forever/official nominee Tom Daschle recently withdrew his name for consideration over controversy surrounding his exorbitant unpaid taxes. Now White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs has revealed that President Obama is suffering from a Justin Timberlake strain of "lovestoned"-ness,” showing classic symptoms such as checking his iPhone every millisecond for a wishful "missed Dasche call" and feverishly analyzing Daschle's MySpace song playlist (Daschle symbolically changed his current #1 track yesterday: from lil Wayne's "Got Money" to Kanye West's "Heartless").

While Obama appeared stoic in his recent sit down interview with Katie Couric detailing the Daschle fallout, those in his inner circle lament that Obama is "inconsolable, a blubbering mess about losing Daschle, who is a 'very special friend' (code for: you won't want to know what that's code for in DC politics)" an anonymous White House aide noted.

Vice President Joe Biden, always one to have a comment or two thousand for the press, jumped to give his side of the love story: "Daschle is soooo over Obama…he unfriended him on Facebook and has ignored all Obama texts…even the late night ones. Can you say AWKWARD in the Oval Office?"

Meanwhile, Daschle reps have confirmed that he is leaving public office for good and has his eyes set on Hollywood. He's already set to star in the sequel "He's Just Not That Into You: I Got Played by Obama - America's #1 Player."

-Meredith McKenna

Obama names Christian Bale new HHS secretary nominee

In a surprise pick that has political observers further questioning his judgment in picking cabinet nominees, President Obama has named Christian Bale as his new nominees for secretary of health and human services.

The "Dark Knight" star replaces Tom Daschle, who withdrew from consideration yesterday after it was revealed he hadn't paid hundreds of thousands of dollars in back taxes. He's the third Obama choice for a senior government position who has has had to bow out due to ethical concerns.

The President told a group of snickering White House reporters that Bale had been thoroughly vetted and didn't present any problems that would prevent his confirmation.

"Christian has never missed a single tax payment and after watching several of his films, I feel confident that he has the cool, calm demeanor that I value," Obama stated as ABC News correspondent Jake Tapper left the room because he could no longer hold in his laughter. "After a few early missteps, I'm proud to say that my administration is back on track putting together the most ethical, professional cabinet possible. I'm also very excited to find out what happens in 'Terminator 4,' because I hated the last one."

When asked follow-up questions by reporters, Obama noted that the White House's Internet service has been down for the past couple of days.

Oprah Winfrey to help out Barack Obama by purchasing United States

Oprah Winfrey worked hard on Barack Obama's presidential election campaign, and now the talk show host is about to help Obama deal with the ailing U.S. economy by purchasing the United States.

"This is the worst economic climate we've seen since the GreatDepression," said President Elect Obama during a morning news conference. "It's going to get a lot worse before it gets better. We have a great opportunity to save our economic problems. And Oprah will help this nation by purchasing it outright. As you know, Oprah has all the money in the world."

Economist says the unprecedented sale would infuse enough money into the economy to get it going again.

"I know there's a lot of concern about this sale, but we're in deep trouble. Oprah can save us," said Obama.

The exact sale amount has not been disclosed, but Oprah plans on holding her own news conference tomorrow.

"She will lay out her plans for the purchase of the U.S. and then she will announce her favorite things for the Holiday season. People love that," said Oprah's spokeswoman.

Controversy: Barack Obama becomes first President Elect to endorse a product

Barack Obama raised more than $640 million during his campaign, and now some say he's looking to cash in on his popularity. He's become the first President Elect in the history of the country to endorse a product. Obama has signed a deal with the soap company Lever 2000.  Republicans are upset by the endorsement deal and are calling for an ethics investigation.

However, officials inside the Obama camp say the money will be used for administrative costs associated with the transfer to the White House. The slogan for the ad campaign will be "The Audacity of Soap."  Vice President Elect Joe Biden was asked about the soap deal.

"Lever 2000 is a fine product. I know Barack uses it all the time," said Biden. "I've said it before and I'll say it again... I mean, you got the this mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean. How does he get that clean? Lever 2000."

Lindsay Lohan blog post spurs record turnout, Obama victory

A pro-voting blog post by Lindsay Lohan has led to more than 100 million Americans turning out to elect Barack Obama as the first ever African-American president of the United States.

Political analysts are overwhelmingly crediting a blog post that actress, singer and national icon Lohan wrote on MySpace Monday titled "VOTE" as the primary reason that a record number of people cast ballots and changed the course of American history. Many described it as an impassioned piece of political rhetoric that will be remember by historians for generations:

Sorry i haven't blogged in a minute.. i've been traveling and trying to catch up on sleep! I thought it was important to just put a message out there tonight for anyone that is on myspace at the moment.. So, here goes..I cannot say how important it is for everyone to get out there and vote tomorrow... The future of our country depends on it. Just one vote can make such a difference... Vote-because your thoughts are worth it..VOTE-because YOU can make this country a better place...VOTE-because you can.

I feel like i have so much more to say, but the only thing that needs to be said right now, is for people to get out there and VOTE.

PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"On Monday, Lindsay told America to vote and the next day over 110 million of us did. The connection is undeniable," said Andrea Tambor, a USC professor who holds the TMZ Chair for the study of politics and celebrities. "The fact that she took the time to write this post despite her hectic schedule and need to catch up on sleep, her capitalization of the word 'VOTE' in four separate places, and her use of 13 exclamation points at the end all combine to make a compelling political argument that Americans simply couldn't ignore."

Tambor added that Lohan's blog post may even turn out to be more historically significant than Will.i.am's appearance as a hologram on CNN.

Tyra Banks questions presidential candidates about masturbation issue

Barack Obama and John McCain have answered a lot of questions about the their positions on a number of issues during their campaigns. But the nominees were not prepared for Tyra Banks' questions during separate taped appearances on her show today.  The former model asked each candidate about their feelings on the controversial issue of masturbation.

"There are many tough issues out there, but I wanted to know from you, Senator Mccain, is where you fall on the issue of masturbation?" asked Banks.

McCain is vehemently opposed to masturbation and tried to make a joke that did not work with the audience.

"I know this a highly emotional issue and that many chickens have died over the years due to those bird being choked," said McCain.  McCain then added he's opposed to masturbation and calls it a sin.

As for Barack Obama, he acknowledge that he has masturbated in the past and believes it is a person's right to pleasure themselves with prejudice.

"Look, there are lot of good people on both sides of this issue," said Obama. "For instance, take a look at you Tyra. Ten years ago you were smoking hot and for many men it would have been difficult to contain themselves and they need that relief. It's not only tax relief that most Americans need."

Tina Fey to take over roles of Barack Obama and John McCain on SNL

Tina Fey's impersonation of Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live has been dead on and extremely popular. But there have been growing complaints about the impersonations of John McCain and Barack Obama by SNL actors Darrell Hammond and Fred Armisen. "It's not even close," said a disappointed SNL executive producer Lorne Michaels. "Starting this weekend, Tina Fey will start impersonating McCain and Obama. We'll have to use videotape so all three characters show up on the screen at the same time. I'm confident she can pull it off."

You'll remember that back in the 90s, Dana Carvey portrayed former President George Bush and presidential candidate Ross Perot at the same time using videotape. Michaels feels that Fey can do a better job with McCain and Perot.

Fey will also take over hosting duties for SNL Weekend Update replacing Amy Poehler and Seth Myers. Poehler will be leaving the show at the end of the year to have a baby. And instead of having a different celebrity guest each week, Fey will take over as the permanent host of SNL.

"It's clear to me that Tina Fey is who people want," added Michaels.

Fey will also replace the only black cast member on the show Kenan Thompson.

"We thought he'd be able to do a good Barack Obama, but it didn't work out. He doesn't do a good black politician impersonation," said Michaels.

Final presidential debate to feature cooking segment

The second presidential debate featured a town hall format in which the candidates felt quite comfortable talking to voters. Now there's a report that the final debate will feature a 20 minute cooking segment. It's an unprecedented event during a presidential debate that has surprised a lot of political pundits. But both the McCain and Obama campaigns are on board.

"You've got to understand that both candidates are trying to connect with those undecided voters," says Prof. Joseph Claskew of Aruna College of Political Studies. "Americans watch a lot of television. They love talk shows, and they especially love it when the shows have those cooking segments. It actually makes a lot of sense to have the candidates in a cooking segment. It will make them seem more human. Plus, Americans will get to see if either candidate can stand the heat in the kitchen."

The Providence Record reports that John McCain has been consulting with Martha Stewart while Barack Obama has been prepping with Rachel Ray. There's an unconfirmed report that McCain's camp is trying to negotiate an animal segment with Jack Hannah. There are a lot of undecided animal lovers who would like to see how the candidates handle animals.

Barack Obama beefs up crotch security after Jesse Jackson threat

Democratic candidate Barack Obama has agreed to start wearing an iron-clad chastity belt on the campaign trail after the Rev. Jesse Jackson was heard saying he wanted to cut Obama's nuts off.  Secret Service deputy director Calvin Orosto, who also served under President Bill Clinton, says:

"We take all threats very seriously. The iron chastity belt is the best protection we could find on short notice to protect Barack Obama's testicles. His balls are now are number one priority and we're not going to let anyone get close to them.  We tried this device on former President Clinton for other reasons, but he was able to pick the lock."