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'Heterosexual Idol' Slated For Next Year

"American Idol" will premiere a heterosexual version of the hit show next year to combat the recent uproar over what appears to be a gay takeover of the popular show. The release of pictures of Adam Lambert kissing a man dashed the hopes of the producers that perhaps this would be the year of the hot male stud singer, but no such luck - Adam is merely a butch version of Clay Aiken.

 

Mounting pressure -- no pun intended -- from pro-family, Christian organizations has pushed Idol into a hetero corner -- or closet -- that they can't get out of. "I should know in advance if one of their singers is queer," said Pastor Jim Palmer of the New Family Institute. "I need to warn my community to shield their eyes or turn off their TV's so they don't fall under some kind of a gay spell. One of my parishioners is now gay and he's blaming it on 'Idol.'"

 

The new show will screen contestants for their sexuality -- don't ask how -- as part of the audition process. "We are looking forward to doing a more macho show," said one producer. "And we will be changing a couple of judges too to keep with the new all hetero theme...we'll let you guess which ones..."

-Jay Allen

American Idol adds fourth judge to keep eye on Paula Abdul

In the biggest format change for "American Idol," producers have decided to add a fourth judge. She is Los Angeles Superior Court judge Linda Mellton who has seen her fair share of drug abuse cases over the last two decades.   Judge Mellton will not only judge contestants, but she will also keep a close eye on Paula Abdul.  Insiders say it was a desperate move on the producers' part to keep Paula "sober" and "drug-free" during the shows this season. "I think if you're sitting next to a criminal judge for an entire season, you're going to be acting a little different," said the insider.

Paula's erratic behavior isn't the only matter producers have been concerned with over the last few years.  According to sources, Simon Cowell was the target of an intervention last month. Friends and family confronted Simon about his addiction to skin-tight shirts.  Cowell has entered an addiction program.

"It's a tricky situation with that tight shirt addiction," said a source. "Matthew McConaughey had a tight shirt problem. He was cured, but look what happened to him."

Fast Food bidding war for David Archuleta begins

He may not have won "American Idol," but David Archuleta already has his hands full... sorting through employment offers from fast food chains.

Dateline Hollywood has confirmed that seven different Subway stores three McDonalds locations, and an astonishing 27 Arby's franchises are bidding for Archuleta's services starting in 2010 once his brief music career has inevitably faded.

"When Justin Guarini started working at our store, sales went up 7%, which was a very good return on our investment of paying him $8 per hour plus one free meal per shift," said Chad Newell, manager of an Arby's in Tujuna, Calif., that's currenetly the top bidder for Archuleta's services as a cashier. "We're confident that David will be at least that successful and that he won't duplicate the disastrous experience when we hired Ruben Stoddard and lost a three month supply of beef patties in a single night."

David Archuleta Trapper Keepers ready to go on sale

With his victory on "American Idol" nearly assured after a knockout performance last night, the nation's poster printers, teen magazine editors, and Trapper Keeper manufacturers are preparing hundreds of new David Archuleta items.

The small, smooth, and effeminate Archuleta has rocketed to the top of the popularity charts for the lucrative market of girls aged 8-11.

"Our market research shows that pre-pubescent girls who think kissing boys is 'gross' believe David Archuleta is the 'cutest' American Idol ever," said Trapper Keeper CEO Tad Lowell. "They particularly love how much less masculine and threatening he is than Justin Guarini and Clay Aiken."

DEA ready to arrest American Idol's Jason Castro

Where's Jason Castro going if he gets kicked off of "American Idol" tonight? Straight to prison, sources at the Drug Enforcement Agency tell Dateline Hollywood.

DEA agents are standing ready outside the Kodak Theater this evening in case the dreadlocked crooner gets the boot, as many predict he will.

"Have you seen this Castro guy? Not only does he look like a junkie, but he forgets the lyrics to songs all the time," said DEA deputy director John Wexall. "When he forgot the lyrics to 'Mr. Tambourine Man' last night and just kept smiling with goofy grin, I knew he was totally high."

Wexall then asked to send an important message to the American public about tonight's "American Idol" episode.

"Go Syesha!" he exlaimed. "You know you're my girl!"

Woody's Search for Seacrest

At the Teen Choice Awards, Woody Wittman tries to land an interview with Ryan Seacrest to win a bet with Spike Feresten. On the way, the Internet's number one entertainment reporter runs into Zac Efron, Bow Wow, Emmy Rossum, Keke Palmer, Avril Lavigne, the Giggle Club, and Sanjaya from American Idol.

Woody's tour of Hollywood

Clueless entertainment reporter Woody Wittman shows you Britney and K-Fed's reception location, Justin Guarini's office and David Schwimmer's future suicide spot on his personal tour of Hollywood.

'American Idol' Installs 'Toilet-Cam'

Hollywood — With interest in the already hot “American Idol” exploding after racy photos of contestant Antonella Barba, including one of her in the bathroom, were found online, producers announced they are installing a backstage “toilet-cam” accessible through AmericanIdol.com.

LOHAN TO REPLACE ABDUL ON AMERICAN IDOL

Hollywood — In a shocking move just as the sixth season has begun, the producers of “American Idol” have fired judge Paula Abdul and replaced her with troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan, who has checked out of rehab to join the reality show.