5 Rejected Clay Aiken People Magazine covers

By now everyone has seen the SHOCKING cover of People Magazine in which Clay Aiken reveals "Yes, I'm Gay." But what you may not know is that People actually went through numerous cover blurbs before settling on this one. Dateline Hollywood has gotten exclusive access to them all and ranked the five best:

5. "Yes, I'm boning Lance Bass." Whoa, a little TMI, there, People. I mean sure, we've all assumed it for years, but save those juicy details for the inside. Not to mention the obvious factual error: Does anybody believe Clay is the one doing the boning? We all know he's the one getting boned.

4. "Yes, I'm super gay." That picture already implies that he's super duper over the top ultra gay. Not to mention every photo, video and performance of Clay Aiken ever. The word "Super" is clearly implied by his presence. Since you're already showing us, why tell us?

3. "Duh, I'm gay." That makes it sound like Clay Aiken is insulting us, the dim witted People Magazine readers. Make it sound like your "revelation" is shocking. We've been living a national lie that Clay Aiken is straight for years. Why puncture the facade at the last second?

2. "Yes, I'm a pedophile." Frankly, we're offended at the implication that a super gay man with an incredibly creepy look on his face while holding a little baby has anything to do with pedophilia. Shame on you, People Magazine, for even considering using this cover.

1. "Yes, I'm interesting for the last time. Tomorrow I start working at Quizno's." Sure, we're incredibly unlikely to ever care about Clay Aiken again now that he's finally played the one card he had left in his publicity arsenal: the gay card. But you never know. He could have a sex change operation. Or his son could knock some girls up in 13 years. Don't rule out the possibilities. And don't be advertising Quizno's on your cover for free. Ethics first, People Magazine!

Comments

[Just have to say...]

These are great. The last one especially, because it is sooooooooo very true.

With regards to #4. Pedophiles are ALWAYS heterosexuals.

[Josh M]

I would have preferred a little tweak to the side stories. Like "Why did they survive?"

[mafme]

"Pedophiles are ALWAYS heterosexuals."

Not true.

[L]

"Pedophiles are ALWAYS heterosexuals."

Actually, pedophiles are neither heterosexual nor homosexual. They are pedophiles. Their victims lack the secondary sex characteristics that cause most people to be attracted to either males or females.

[Mandy]

Actually, not all pedophiles have "victims". Not all pedophiles actually molest children or even look at child pornography; likewise, not everyone who molests children is a pedophile. Some of them would rather have sexual relations with adults, but are unable to for whatever reason. However, non-pedophiles who molest children are almost exclusively heterosexual.

So, there's no such thing as a gay pedophile, nor are there even any documented cases of gays molesting children.

[Me]

Gays certainly molest children, straights molest children. Priests molest children, Michael Jackson molests children. Republicans molest children, democrats molest children. Men molest children, women molest children and other children molest children. Every demographic molests children, and what they have in common is that they are all sick, twisted perverts who need to be chained to the floor of a rat infested dungeon for the rest of their lives.

That stuff about "no documented cases" is BS...

[Yoda]

Hey all:

You are debating pedophilia on a website called Dateline: Hollywood, on a page that features fake People magazine covers of a not particularly talented OR interesting gay singer with a baby.

Just an FYI, ye who take yourselves too seriously.

[PeaceBang]

Actually, I just wanted to say "bravo" to the person who immediately jumped on the pedophile thing. Yea, this is just a celeb site and the satire covers are funny, but implying that gays are pedophiles is so not funny and not cool. That assumption has to be challenged wherever it's made or implied. Right on, peeps.

[Todd]

You're all retarded. I hope you get molested by children who are gay, and happen to be pedophiles.